Monday, June 13, 2011

There's so many things I wish you knew.

Sometimes, I think to myself, what/how do you think of me?

Not like pretty, hot etc. Something more depth.

Like, what am I to you? Am I important? And how important? Am I better than all your previous girlfriends? What do you see in me?

There are alof of questions I want to ask, but it seems so... fairytalistic. Something you wouldn't want to answer.

I silently wished that you would see what I see in you, maybe you do, but I wished I knew.

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. Your presence can't be measured by importance. You just have to be there, you NEED to be there. I want you to be there, for me. You are the very first one that I want to be serious about, you are incomparable. I can't imagine if one day you just suddenly vanished, what will I do. It's beyond imagination, because I don't wish for that to happen. I want you with me, for as long as forever can last. I want to know how you feel about me, badly.

Do I play a part in your everyday life? Do you want me to be in your life? Have I made an impact to your life? Do you need me there like I need you to be here with me? I just want to know how you feel about me.

You just seem so much happier last time. Is like, I'm here to make your life miserable. Are you happy with me? Or do I just make your life worse? I want to know.

Because I'm happy when with you, I love the way I am when I'm with you, the way that nobody sees it other than you, and I love YOU. You came into my life, brighten it up. I don't know if I did the same to your's. And I wish I knew.

But at the same time, I don't want you to know that I'm asking for all these. I just think that you won't like it if I start shooting these questions at you. I just have this feeling that you won't like it.

But I love you.

I just wish we can go on forever. I didn't believe in forever, even now. I tried my best to believe in your forever, but I'm just afraid I will fall, real hard. I still have my guard up, but not too high for now.

I just want and need to be with you.

I love you baby boy, I can't do anything without you. I know this sounds cliche but it's from the bottom of my heart.

I wish you knew, because it's so hard for me to keep this inside me.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Dearest you.

Words can’t describe how much I love you. (:
I’ve got so many things to say to you, but I just don’t have the courage to. I keep thinking that you won’t like it. That’s why sometimes, I cry, cry real hard.
It’s been nearly three months, and we’ve been through ’ quite’ alot. Thanks for being so understanding and not getting angry with me all the time. Your patience is something that can neutralise my personality, and hopefully I won’t run your patience out. =X
I really love you, I really do.
You say you love me more, but I guess I love you more than you love me. But I do feel love from you, all the time. (:
I realised I’m clingy. =/ the moment we part, I miss you already. Whenever I hug you, I don’t wanna let go. I can just fall asleep on you. (: Your kisses and hugs make me feel loved, and naturally I become like a small girl again. =X
Sorry for my stupid attitude sometimes, I don’t know how to stand it. =/ Thanks for being so tolerent.
I’m very glad to have you with me, really really. It’s beyond words, but there are so much more that I wanna say.
I love you baby boy, and I know, you love me too.
That enough can make me happy, for as long as I can be. (:

Friday, March 11, 2011

Letter to me

I really hate what the both of us are going through right now.

If I had insist on you not taking up your attachment, it would have been so much better. But I know I won't restrict you in whatever you do. I can't bear to.

And now, I'm here, sitting down in front of my laptop, typing this shit. While you are sleeping, not because you are tired, but you have to. I gave in, I don't want you to end up being tired when you're in the midst of your work. This wouldn't have happened if you are not on your attachment.

"I hate your attachment, I hate how you like your job so much."

But no, this is not what I'm thinking now. I just hate the fact that, I can't be with you as much, when is like, we are suppose to be with each other more now than any other time of the year.

You can't text during your work. No texting. When you are awake and on your way to work, I'm sleeping. No texting. When you end your work. You texted, with slow reply and stupid content. Not enough. And sometimes when you end work, I'm working. Pathetic. When I end work, you have to sleep. Not enough textings.

You get 2 off days per week. They are on 2 consecutive days. That will mean we can't see each other for at least 5 days. I hate this.

Time and time again, I miss you like crazy. I hate myself for being so attach to you. I thought I will handle this well, but no. All I have been doing is crying myself to sleep, thinking to myself in my own world, nobody can reach me.

You asked me, why was I so cold.
To make myself feel better. To pretend that I don't really need you here with me all the time.

I was wrong.

I can't pretend that I don't need you here. I can't pretend that I'm alright for you to sleep while I am just on my way home. I can't pretend that I don't give a shit if you can't text me enough.

I can't pretend that I don't love you as much as I really do.

In fact, I love you till I can't handle all these myself.

Sometimes I ask myself, if I'm giving too much.

But no, to think back, you gave more than you should when you shouldn't. That's how you got my heart.

I feel like I'm getting depressed day by day this holiday. It's the worse holiday ever.

I miss you, baby. I really do.
You won't read this, because if you do, you will start putting up your guard and avoid all these as much as you can. And I don't want that.

I'm not here to change or restrict you, I'm here to be with you, stand by you, watching you do what you like, what you think it's right.

I don't need you to apologise, because it's not your fault. You didn't expect things to turn out this way too. In fact, I think I'm the problem. I think too much.

I think to myself, if this goes on for too long, will we drift apart? Will we end up with nothing? I'm tired to chase you everyday, catching you when you are finally free to text me. I just want more time to be spent with you. But at the same time, it's tiring too. Is like, we both have our own lives to live, yet we want to be in each other's life.

I hate myself for always wanting you to be here but I have to let go because it will be better for you. For thousands of times, I wished you would text me back when I say good bye or good night, saying that you miss me and don't want to stop texting. But it's always so disappointing. You will only do that when I sound wrong.

Wanting and not wanting you to be here at the same time, this feeling sucks. I want to be selfish, but part of me thinks that I should just give in. I just can't bring myself to be ignorant and just go with whatever I want. I don't want to be like a little kid. I just can't bring myself to demand what I want. Yes, I can ask you to stay awake and text with me but I won't.. Yes, I can make you choose between me and your attachment, but I won't. I don't want you to make choices, I know you hate it. Most of all, I know you will choose me over anything that is why, I won't do all these. I don't want you to give up the things you enjoy for me. It's not worth it. You may think otherwise but really, I don't want to be someone who takes away your life.

April 6th please come quick, I want this to end, so that I can get back to the usual days, where we can just sit at home and chat whole day long. I missed you enough, I don't wanna go though missing you anymore. It's hurting way too much.

I love you, please stay with me, as long as you can be.

Saturday, January 01, 2011

twenty ten

Short reflection of 2010.

1. Turned 18.
Bball clique w their lovely surprises, miss them alot. Poly clique w their Swensens surprises, love them loads too.

2. Marlar.
Time again, history repeated. And us praying, hoping one day you would change. But I guess, that is not gonna happen in the near future.

3. Yami Yogurt.
Finally got myself a job after a year of jobless-ness. Enjoyable crew, had fun when I'm with them, except for one, or TWO. Glenn Melissa Amanda are the awesome peeps.

4. Brenda.
New BFF? Miss this girl, haven't met for like, a month? Felt like years. We can talk anything, and seriously everything under the sun. Starbucks is our favourite place so far, we can't afford to walk around, we spend way too much, on food that is.

5. IKEA.
Meatballs @ 4 bucks till July 2011. Three cheers!!

6. Achievements.
I wouldn't say I have, neither would I say I don't have. Looking around at my room, finally got my own bookshelf, a decent study table, cool pencil case, using a planner like finally, colourful own-made timetable, loving it. Just maybe wanna bring it to another level, with my personality as decorations.

7. Wedding.
Attended a wedding finalyl after 8 long years. Enjoyed it alot, still hate abalone. I'm not having shark fin on my wedding dinner, I swear.

8. Lastly, you.
We knew each other's existence for a year plus. Who would have thought we will end up like this? Thank you for being there when I'm always down, thank you for your patience with my stupid behaviours, thank you for loving me when I was still in doubts with my feelings for you, thank you for letting me love you even when I treated you that way before, thank you for showering your love all the time, thank you for being here by my side, thank you for making me happy, thank you for letting me know you, thank you for all that you've done. I love you, and hopefully, you love me the same way as I do to you.

Let's see what will 2011 be like, cheers to new beginnings, more happiness and maybe a little bit more cashy? =X

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Daddy & Mummy, this is for you.

So many times I've thought of becoming rebellious, but the thought of my parents unable to sleep when I'm out late, and whenever they hear the keys, the wake up to see if it was me. It's heartaching.

I want to have fun, but I want to be a filial daughter too. Why can't they just trust me a little more? Do I really have to resort to what my friends do: Just be rebellious until the day they give up telling you to come home on time.

I don't wanna do that, it's gonna hurt them I swear. Is it that difficult to gain people's trust? Even from the closest persons? I'm not old but I'm really not young anymore. I know this is freakin childish. But why can other parents trust their kids so much and yet mine are so conservative? Is it smth to do w where they were brought up? Is it because they really think too much? Some of my friends tell me is because their parents are really too busy to care about them. Does that mean my parents are too free to the extent that they have time to think so much? These two days I've been thinking to myself, what are the things that are stopping them from trusting me. Is it because I'm a girl? Is it because I look like I'm some kind of stupid bitch that hangs around w weird/playful/dangerous people? Like hello, my friends are not dangerous at all. My parents has always been unhappy about me being in bball, but don't they want to see a happy me?

I really wish they can read what my mind has been going through all this time. I've never thought of going home after 12 because by then there will be no bus (except for NR), I never dare to drink outside of my house. What we do is just sitting down and just mingle around, why can't they just see me doing that and nothing else? Really, I don't understand what is going on. Is it true that parents always think too much? My dad say I'll understand once I become a parent. Hopefully I will and put myself in my children's shoes too. It's not time to be 墨守成規, why can't my parents be more flexible?

I really hope my parents would read this. And hopefully, they will understand more about what I'm really thinking. I know this is being very childish of me, but I really can't take it anymore, I need a breather.

Thanks bloggie, I love you.

And to my readers, shut the fuck up and dont come and tell me bullshits, I don't need your comments about this. Why can't I password this post god damn it.