Letter to me

I really hate what the both of us are going through right now.

If I had insist on you not taking up your attachment, it would have been so much better. But I know I won't restrict you in whatever you do. I can't bear to.

And now, I'm here, sitting down in front of my laptop, typing this shit. While you are sleeping, not because you are tired, but you have to. I gave in, I don't want you to end up being tired when you're in the midst of your work. This wouldn't have happened if you are not on your attachment.

"I hate your attachment, I hate how you like your job so much."

But no, this is not what I'm thinking now. I just hate the fact that, I can't be with you as much, when is like, we are suppose to be with each other more now than any other time of the year.

You can't text during your work. No texting. When you are awake and on your way to work, I'm sleeping. No texting. When you end your work. You texted, with slow reply and stupid content. Not enough. And sometimes when you end work, I'm working. Pathetic. When I end work, you have to sleep. Not enough textings.

You get 2 off days per week. They are on 2 consecutive days. That will mean we can't see each other for at least 5 days. I hate this.

Time and time again, I miss you like crazy. I hate myself for being so attach to you. I thought I will handle this well, but no. All I have been doing is crying myself to sleep, thinking to myself in my own world, nobody can reach me.

You asked me, why was I so cold.
To make myself feel better. To pretend that I don't really need you here with me all the time.

I was wrong.

I can't pretend that I don't need you here. I can't pretend that I'm alright for you to sleep while I am just on my way home. I can't pretend that I don't give a shit if you can't text me enough.

I can't pretend that I don't love you as much as I really do.

In fact, I love you till I can't handle all these myself.

Sometimes I ask myself, if I'm giving too much.

But no, to think back, you gave more than you should when you shouldn't. That's how you got my heart.

I feel like I'm getting depressed day by day this holiday. It's the worse holiday ever.

I miss you, baby. I really do.
You won't read this, because if you do, you will start putting up your guard and avoid all these as much as you can. And I don't want that.

I'm not here to change or restrict you, I'm here to be with you, stand by you, watching you do what you like, what you think it's right.

I don't need you to apologise, because it's not your fault. You didn't expect things to turn out this way too. In fact, I think I'm the problem. I think too much.

I think to myself, if this goes on for too long, will we drift apart? Will we end up with nothing? I'm tired to chase you everyday, catching you when you are finally free to text me. I just want more time to be spent with you. But at the same time, it's tiring too. Is like, we both have our own lives to live, yet we want to be in each other's life.

I hate myself for always wanting you to be here but I have to let go because it will be better for you. For thousands of times, I wished you would text me back when I say good bye or good night, saying that you miss me and don't want to stop texting. But it's always so disappointing. You will only do that when I sound wrong.

Wanting and not wanting you to be here at the same time, this feeling sucks. I want to be selfish, but part of me thinks that I should just give in. I just can't bring myself to be ignorant and just go with whatever I want. I don't want to be like a little kid. I just can't bring myself to demand what I want. Yes, I can ask you to stay awake and text with me but I won't.. Yes, I can make you choose between me and your attachment, but I won't. I don't want you to make choices, I know you hate it. Most of all, I know you will choose me over anything that is why, I won't do all these. I don't want you to give up the things you enjoy for me. It's not worth it. You may think otherwise but really, I don't want to be someone who takes away your life.

April 6th please come quick, I want this to end, so that I can get back to the usual days, where we can just sit at home and chat whole day long. I missed you enough, I don't wanna go though missing you anymore. It's hurting way too much.

I love you, please stay with me, as long as you can be.